no more dreams

i do dream sometime. i don't simply dream for nothing. i dream to achieve it. i don't dream for very big thing, hard and almost impossible thing. i always dream for a small and simple thing. i dream for thing that i really wanted and to exist in my life. and i fight really hard for it, just the way i fight to stay in a rental house(my longest fight i guess).

i had a conversation earlier. it was about what will you do in a few years or when you have money, like a lot. listening to other, and i came to a realization that now i have reached this stage in life which i never wanted to reach. practically, i should dream no more. and it really breaks my heart.

in my culture especially in my family, my life after this is getting married. people will start to bother you to have a child ASAP. and then everything will be about going work getting back home, doing chores for your husband and children. the husband will of course have all the time in the world to do whatever they want and even hang out with their friends. or worst come to worst sit down on the couch watching tv while the wife take care of the cleaning n the baby and maybe cooking.

It's not that i don't want to get married, it's just my culture. argh! it's hard to explain.

so now, all i can do is listen to others planning bout doing this and that, smiling and giving support.

this thing gonna spoil my mood for the rest of the month.

weekend

Weekend orng malaysia mmg untuk hadir perkawenan and kenduri orng. cuti skolah pon mcm tu.

saya selalu t'pk knplah orng malaysia xleh buat majlis perkawenan mcm orng barat, jemput dlm 50-200 orng je, buat kt tempat yg kecik so ada budget nk makanan sedap2 n variety, tempat eksklusif n bagai. jemput orng yg mmg ada niat baik je terhadap kita supaya majlis tu rsa seperti lbih direstui tanpa ada negative energy.

and lagi 1 nk buat kenduri selamat ke arwah ke. saya xtaulah mmg ikut kene panggil sedara ke apa. berbanding jemput sedara mara n bgi makan kepada yg mampu, better buat doa selamat or pape kenduri kt tempat mcm umah anak yatim or tempat tahfiz or madrasah or mna2.

at least, mereka yg penat bekerja hari minggu adalah gak masa nk berehat kt umah time weekends, jalan2 n melancong time cuti sekolah.

sekian terima kasih

-_-"

pocket money

kebanyakan staff kt office sy pgi company tour ke pulau redang hari ni, tinggal beberapa kerat je kt office ni. mmg xd keje. goyang kaki dan main internet bagai.

bila last korng minta pocket money kt parents korng? or bila last minta parents bayarkan things korng? minta duit utk tu n minta duit utk ni.

dalam hal ni sy mmg sgt bangga dgn diri saya sbb last sy minta duit kt parents sy masa sy berumur 18
yup, a year after SPM. saya diterima masuk ke matriks dimana kerajaan akn bayar elaun. tapi elaun pertama lmbt masuk dan sy kene beli buku, duit yg saya minta kat ayah sy tu sebanyak RM200. Alhamdulillah, lps tu, pada umur tu sy blajar berjimat. saya siap kumpul duit utk bayar yuran klu saya masuk Universiti nanti. dan bayar duit buku. saya xnk minta kt parents saya.

habisnya matriks, masuk Universiti, semua tak seperti dijangka, yuran 1 sem pon dh beribu2, lbh dari total elaun yg saya dapat masa zaman saya matrix. sekali lagi, dgn rasa malunya saya minta duit kt parents saya. Alhamdulillah jugak, lps tu sy dapat biasiswa JPA, cukup untuk sy menyara hidup saya, dan kumpul duit lagi.

saya mungkin bkn dari keluarga susah. dan saya mmg x perlu utk buat sume ni. saya x perlu malu pon nk minta duit kt parents sy. mereka sentiasa bersedia utk provide pape yg sy minta. siap slalu tny klu nk pocket money tapi saya selalu tolak. kadang2 mereka paksa suruh ambik kerana mereka fikir itu tanggungjawab mereka, utk provide kepada anak.

itu parents kita, mereka sentiasa nk buat yg terbaik utk kita. tapi kita? where is your dignity? just sebab mereka selalu menghulur x semestinya kita boleh slalu menadah. bagi saya itu salah satu contoh manusia yg xd dignity. saya belajar ini semua dari salah sorng abng saudara saya, yg pergi belajar di luar negara atas perbelanjaan ibu bapa. dia simpan segala rekod perbelanjaan dia. dia kata dia malu sebab belajar guna duit parents dia dan lps dia balik Malaysia, dia akn bekerja dan bayar balik duit tu kat ayah dia. i was so proud of him dan mmg sy sgt respect laki mcm tu. rare kot! zaman skrng ni brape ramailah yg keje cikai, tapi bawa keta mahal, nfon mahal, beli gadget merepek mahal2, semua duit parents.

kalau korng perasan, korng dh boleh nnmpk mostly orng kaya skrng ada waris yg xleh survive in future sbb mmg keje spend harta ayah masing2. x care nk blaja, x care nk kerja secara serius sbb xd keperluan dan dh ada duit yg byk. berapa kerat je laki zaman skrng yg tolong business ayah mereka dgn serius? mmg in future, zaman saya dh ada anak nanti, semua akn terbalik. yg naik bmw skrng akn naik proton. yg naik moto skrng bakal naik ferrari.

Saya sentiasa berdoa agar dimurahkan rezeki saya. cukup rezeki utk saya hulurkan kepada parents dan adik saya. Duit yg parents sy kumpul utk saya or adik beradik saya, biarlah mereka saje yg gunakan zaman tua nanti. sudah terlalu banyak pengorbanan. mungkin masih belum terlambat untuk mereka hidup cara mereka selalu impikan.