Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Sign

when do a woman realize that she is ready to get married?  i think most of them in my community or my culture don't. if a girl is not doing good in studies, she'll be married off after SPM. if she is doing good, then she'll get married after diploma or degree. klu dia blaja lgi lps tu nanti susah parents nak carikan sorng yg setanding pelajaran anak perempuan mereka.

to me, wedding is just another phase of life, yg sy kurang minat. sorng perempuan akn kawen, kluar dri umah parents n pegi umah mertua, berkenalan dgn hubungan baru, try sesuaikan diri kt environment baru, buat benda utk orang lain, lbh banyak bertolak ansur lebih banyak berkorban, do almost everything for the sake of the husband, dh x kluar and have fun mcm si suami or even dh jarang contact kawan (suami plak sibuk balik lmbt lps lepak dgn kawan2), and at last apa yg dia dpt ialah ayat yg sgt common and widely used by the male in 'tamil' or 'india' community, "life become hell" ataupon "hidup dh x aman or seronok mcm dulu".. to me, it's just another phase that people will stop appreciating you. satu phase yg prmpn akn diberi imej..... "headache"

dengan persepsi mcm ni, i start to think that i will never get married. i will never wanted to enter that phase of life. sy tolak segala lamaran dgn alasan yg sy boleh pk masa tu. mungkin pasangan akn bahaga utk setahun dua but after that???? "happily ever after" is just some childhood fairytale lie. with my amma getting desperate day by day, pressure from the "same mentality" people around me, age factor and so many other, i don't know if i can handle anything anymore, saya dh cuba kurung diri sy di dunia saya n x kluar pgi mana2 or contact sape, but no point.

and then this one night, saya terjaga dari tido and x boleh tidur balik. i start to think bout myself. think bout my future which is too vague, things not going on so well. akhirnya sy bentang sejadah dan menghadap Dia Yang Satu. thats the easiest way to solve anything. sy berdoa. sy berdoa minta pencerahan, untuk tunjukkan saya jalan saya, tunjukkan saya kalau sy dh bersedia.

that was a long time and i can't even remember when this things happened.

a few months back, i was alone at my room. saya manusia pelik yg xkan rasa sunyi bila saya berseorangan. most of the time i feel lonely when theres many people around me but i don't feel like belong anywhere. but i never feel lonely when i am alone. i enjoy the company of myself. i do things on my own or even start to think and figure out a few things. but on that particular day, it was different. i'm not feeling like doing anything. i was bored. i feel empty and start to think bout most of the people out there going out and celebrate but here i am sitting alone in my room and doing nothing and feeling nothing.

and right on that moment, for a split of second, just like a flash, i thought i would never have to spend a night alone or lonely if a had a man.

i was really shocked and surprised that i can feel my brain was completely blank. why on earth did i had that thought?  whats going on? i was totally lost!

after a while, somehow i know, i believe and i accept that that was the sign. i told my amma she may begin her hunt.

even now i don't know if i am ready. i don't know if thats what i want and i don't know how. but i know that it is the right thing to do.

HAPPY 2014.. i had a blast!!!

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